Please Stab My Eyes Out With Your Spork
by refloc
Summary: A series of short parodies based off all the God-awful fics I've read over the years. Read and laugh--or maybe just cry.


**Right, so I was inspired by some awful fics I've read the past few days, which reminded me of even worse ones I read back in the day. These are parodies, and they are meant to be awful. Hopefully they will make you laugh (in that hysterical half-crying sort of way, probably). I'm not going to italicize, bold, center, etc, because that hurts my eyes too much.  
**

**This one is based off several self-insert, school-dance fics I've read, none of which were written by anyone still here.**

***insert clever disclaimer here***

* * *

Chelsea was getting ready fro prom at St. Bartley's. She was five feet four inches without her heels on which added another two inches when she was wearing them. Her hair was a pretty brown with streaks of blond twisted into beautiful curls on top of her head. Her eyes were unusual, being deep purple with grey on the inside. She was so excited about her date!

Artemis Fowl was the most hottest boy at the school, and very popular! His gorgeous blue eyes were framed by black eyelashes twice as long as her, which he starred at her through during math class. His raven black hair hung down across his eyes. He swam a lot during PE, and you could see his toned muscles through his dress shirts when he took his suit jacket off.

The doorbell rang and she raced down the stairs. "Mom, tell him I'm almost ready!" She ran into the downstairs bathroom to check the mirror again. Her dress was strapless and deep puple to match her eyes, and had pretty gold beading across the front. The heels were gold with strap around the ankles, and she was waring a amethyst bracelet and necklace her mom bought for her two days ago. She hoped Artemis would like it.

"Wow!" said Artemis when she came into the room. "You look amazing!"

Chelsea smiled and waited for her mom to take pictures which she would keep in her room forever. She couldn't wait to get to the dance with Artemis.

At the dance her friends Hailey and Amanda came running up to her and pulled her away from Artemis squealing over her dress.

"Oh my god Chels! He's so hot! Ask him to dance with us!" they begged.

She laughed and look at Artemis who was gazing after her longingly. "Not tonight. I'm going to dance with him the whole time. I'll tell you everything tomorrow during lunch, ok?"

"Not fair!" said Amanda.

Artemis frowned when she came back. "What took you so long? I wanted to dance with you."

"Oh they just wanted to ask about where I got my dress," said Chelsea. "We can dance now if you wanted."

"I've want to dance with you all year," said Artemis, gilding across the dance floor with her. "Do you know how beautiful you are? I was so afraid to ask you, because I was afraid you would turn me down."

"I would never turn you down, Arty!" She stared into his amazing blue eyes. "I love you."

"I love you too!" said Artemis.

He stopped and kissed her for a long time, holding her tightly in his arms. He smelled amazing. "Will you go out with me?"

Chelsea gazed up at him. "I would love to," she said softly. "Why didn't you ask me sooner?"

They kissed again, and stared up at the bright stars and the moon that shined down on them. It was the perfect night.

I can't wait to tell Amanda and Hailey about this tomorrow, though Chelsea. They will be so jealous!!!

* * *

**Oh yes, and I read Dem's long rant on how not to write. This will probably coincide with much of what she's written, but it's not actually based off that.**

**I had no idea it was so difficult to write badly. The rest of you should try it as an exercise, you'd be surprised how hard it is to slaughter your grammar, spelling, characters…**

**EDIT: Dem kindly pointed out that this wasn't exaggerated enough to be good parody so much as a bad fic example. I noticed that as I began to read more of them, and I beg you to forgive me. The mind tends to forget the most painful things as quickly as possible. Next chapter will do better. **

**Also, this is intended as therapy. Flame-rant about all the fics you read that this reminds you of. You will get sympathy from the rest of us.  
**


End file.
